How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
barbara walters just said penis...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
