she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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