And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
