you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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