Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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