some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
