Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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