don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
