Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
