Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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