o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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