I faked an abortion last night.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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