my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
