omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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