Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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