i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
