he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
