Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
