Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
