what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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