Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
