I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
this beer tastes like vomit already
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
