I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
