Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
