I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
