Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
