she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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