i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
