I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
