I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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