i was rollin on her like bob the builder
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
