My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
