Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
