Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
