1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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