I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
