You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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