Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
