she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
