why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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