hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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