booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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