Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
