she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
