Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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