It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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