I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
