I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
