my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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