You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
