i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
