im having a threesome with these popsicles
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
